These were sent to me via e-mail. If anyone knows the author please let me know so I can properly credit him or her.
Memo from Medical Management
To: All EMS/ER Personnel
From: Some Guy Who Makes Way More Than You
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions
It has come to our attention from several of your humor-deficient coworkers that nursing and EMS
narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective
immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had
it before, got it again).
2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use
CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go
boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly,
descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative
vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not
considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal
intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge".
8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being
"paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), or NLPR (no long playing records).
9) And finally, FONS (Failure of Natural Selection) is not a NANDA approved nursing diagnosis!
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our
patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper,
narratives and log entries.
Memo#2
ANNOUNCEMENT
To: All Hospital Employees
From: President and CEO
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system. The program is referred to as the "Meditech Year 2000 Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next monday at 0900 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
As for the status of the conversion to the new program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. The restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week when asked to enter some data into the program, I had a secretary say to me--"I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through the first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far to say that after using Burroughs and Watson she was ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns about the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation. But I am pleased to say that the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required before entering MYASS.
So, as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say--"Here, stick this in MYASS."
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during the recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our COO replied-- "Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS!!"
Memo#3
To: All Staff
From: Administration
Re: Hospital Costs
In an effort to reduce costs this year, the following are effective
immediately. Please share this information with your patients and physicians
as soon as possible.
1. Food service will be discontinued immediately. Patients wishing to eat
will want to get their families to bring them a brown bag meal, or you may
make your own arrangements with Subway, Dominoes, etc. Coin-operated
telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose.
2. Our PBX operators have all been let go, so if your are walking through
the lobby and hear the telephone ringing, please answer it.
3. We have found it necessary to make substantial reductions in our
transport team so we ask the cooperation of all patients. One transporter
will take at least six patients in wheelchairs at a time to Radiology, PT
and other services. Please form a "train" by holding tightly on to the
handles of the wheelchair in front of you.
4. Our Emergency Room is really busy from 3 PM to 11 PM so, if you can,
please have your accidents and heart attacks in the mornings or early
afternoons. That would really be helpful and will help to reduce your wait.
5. To expedite surgery cases, all AM admits and outpatient surgery patients
are asked to report to the hospital 3 hours prior to surgery. Go to Central
Sterile and pick up a clean instrument tray & surgery pack and proceed to
the Surgery Holding area. To help us reduce drug costs, please take several
Aleve prior to arriving at the hospital for surgery.
6. Patients anticipating the need for a bedpan can check one out in the gift
shop. They will be available in a wide variety of colors and styles to meet
the aesthetic and physical requirements of our patients. A deposit will be
required but is fully refundable if bedpans are returned clean.
7. To reduce patients' lengths of stay, nurses will have a choice of using
in-line skates or skateboards. To expedite response to patient's needs and
discharges, nurse call systems will be modified and will be wired to a
collar worn by nurses, which will deliver a mild shock when pushed by the
patient.
8. Taking a cue from the airlines, Respiratory Therapists will be replaced
by oxygen masks which will, should the need arise, automatically drop from
the ceiling over patient beds. If this occurs, please place the mask over
your nose and mouth and breathe normally.
9. The hospital got a real sweet deal on surplus white waiters' jackets and
these will be issued to all physicians. Doctors, we apologize in advance
because the jackets already had a first name embroidered on the pocket. We
will work with you to find a name that you can live with. If you also are on
the staff at the University Hospital, we hope this won't be a problem. We
recognize that in academic settings, "length of coat status" is very
important.
10. All first time moms are asked to volunteer to help out on the Pediatrics
floor - not only will this reduce hospital costs, but it will give you a
much needed experience and a dose of reality after ogling over your own
precious sleeping bundle of joy.
11. Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be
issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion
exercises as well as a clean environment. Family members and friends of
patients and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean public areas to
receive special discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.
12. Plant operations and Engineering are being eliminated. The hospital has
subscribed to the TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These
books can be checked out from administration and a toolbox will be standard
equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of
one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring,
but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as
you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
13. Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing
blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.
14. Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two x-rays
per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Walgreen's
photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians
are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra
sets. Walgreen's will honor all competitors' coupons for one-hour processing
in emergency situations, if you come across coupons from other vendors,
please clip them and send them to the Emergency Department.
15. In light of the extremely hot summer temperature and the high A/C bills
that we received last summer, out new policy is to have fans available for
sale or lease in the hospital gift shop. For those patients who do not wish
to use electric fans, the old reliable hand held cardboard fans on a stick
are free upon request.
16. The cost of hospital gowns continues to escalate so patients are asked
to bring their own pajama top which nurses will be happy to slit up the back
for you. Pajama bottoms are not permitted on patient units.
17. On the way to the hospital, please stop by Target or Walmart and pick
up two sets of twin bed sheets. Should you require extra linens during your
stay, coin operated washers and dryers are available for patient use.
18. Administration is assuming responsibility for grounds keeping duties. If
an Administrator cannot be reached by calling the Administrative Offices, it
is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mover,
weed-whacker, etc.
If you have any questions regarding these cost-cutting measures, please let
us know. Thank you for your cooperation.
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Background graphic source is unknown. (I added the hat and the word "Valium" and the "management greeting".) Original character and artwork by Matt Stone and Trey Parker.
If you know who created this graphic, please EMAIL ME so I can give them credit.
Want to use any of the backgrounds you've seen on my nursing site? Just give a credit linkback and email me! :-).