The largest managed-care business in the Denver area just installed voice mail on their psychiatric hotline. Callers are prompted as follows:

Welcome to the psychiatric hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up, all operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you would like to speak to a physician, pleased be advised that your plan requires a second opinion and a 30 day waiting period before you can receive this service, which has been designated nonessential.


Back to Nursing Page ~*~ HOME ~*~ NEXT


Want to use any of the backgrounds you've seen on my nursing site? Just give a credit linkback and EMAIL ME! :-).